


I'm sorry, Goodbye

by Doublegyeoms



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cheating, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad Ending, Same-Sex Marriage, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 23:25:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19239214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doublegyeoms/pseuds/Doublegyeoms
Summary: Sometimes, we realize the true value of things that matters to us the most when it's gone. More often than not, we regret it when it's too late.





	I'm sorry, Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyeeee I'm back with another nonsense!! 🤡 hope y'all won't get mad MAD at me for this one because i really am this 👌 close to yeeting myself out of the window (in short i have hated writing this one but the calling to write this au was stronger 🤧) anyways i hope you enjoy this au, or hate it or whatever idk, and let me know if i have to delete myself so i wouldn't be able to write horrible aus like this one uwu
> 
> ●°●°●°Doublegyeoms' Suggested Songs●°●°●°
> 
> 》I'm not the only one by sam smith 《  
> 》Unfaithful by Rihanna (but you can listen to the male version of it)《  
> 》Patawad, Paalam (optional since I'm a PH birdie and this is where i get the title from which literally translates to I'm sorry, Goodbye)《
> 
> ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡◇♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

They were the epitome of a happy married life. Both were successful in their careers, one as a producer and a singer-songwriter while the other as an actor and an author. Their lives were no less than a fairy tale if one may say, by how they were each other’s halves- mirroring every move the other makes- to how they unashamedly announce their affection through every interviews and guestings. They were inseparable, bound by fate and made by destiny.

Even when the world has its eyes on them, they always have that smile and look of adoration whenever they are together. Sometimes, even during music interviews, jinyoung’s name would slip out of jaebeom’s lips, as if boasting about his most beloved husband.

“You must be grateful to have him.” Jinyoung once heard the interviewer said through the television screen. Jaebeom smiled that million dollar smile of his, staring right in front of the camera, like he was staring directly at jinyoung from it.

“I am, and forever will be grateful to have him.”  
Jinyoung knew his answers will always be like that, and he is happy with it. And jinyoung does the same in every occasion he could. Telling everyone of how happy and proud he is to have jaebeom.

To have a man that is sought for by thousands of people.

To have a man come back home to him.

To have that man's lips in his, his hands around him. 

He is contented that he knows jaebeom will always come home to him every night.

That jaebeom still knows where **_home_** is.

They were what people believed are destined by the mythical red thread. 

And they _were._

* * *

 

Jinyoung was awoken by the sunlight streaming lazily from their blinds, yawning as he tried to turn around but was futile for a hard and solid figure was blocking his way as well as the firm hold around his stomach. He tried wiggling his way out, albeit it only cause the figure behind him to grunt in displease.

With a soft smile, he hummed in contentment as the two strong arms wrapped around his dainty waist pulled him even more closer to the warmth that was his husband- locking him there for a good amount of time.

“Stop squirming or you’ll wake up the dragon.” A low husky grumble vibrated from his back along with light butterfly kisses from his nape to the junction of his shoulders. 

“I think dragon is too much. I think it’s just a small snake, not even an anaconda.” He teased, turning around as soon as he felt his husband’s hold loosen lightly. He stared at his husband’s face, from the playful smirk to the way his unfocused and still drowsy eyes looked at him. 

He is indeed grateful to be his husband.

“Oh so you wanna prove it?” Jinyoung smirked back, knowing fully where this teasing is going to get them later on.

“I doubt if it’ll change my mind.” 

With that, jinyoung’ lips were captured by a pair of soft lips- it was the exact contrast of how he is feeling; soft lips savoring his lips hungrily, almost animalistic and rough. And jinyoung likes that- he loves it, to know jaebeom is hungry for him.

“Hyung..” He gasped softly, fingers finding it’s way to the elder’s unruly hair- instinctively tugging it as soon as jaebeom’s teeth sunk lightly in the flesh of his collarbone. However, just when things are getting hot and heavy, jaebeom’s phone started ringing- interrupting their intimate time sooner that jinyoung would’ve wanted.

“I need to get that, baby.” Jaebeom whispered in between kisses, his action telling otherwise as he squeezed the younger’s round and plump ass tightly. No one dared to let go of each other until the annoying sound of beeping from his phone continued for minutes.

“Okay fine. You go and answer that. I’ll make us breakfast.” Jinyoung sighed, untangling his fingers from his hair- giving jaebeom one last kiss before standing up to grab the first shirt he could get which happened to be jaebeom’s long sleeved shirt from the night before.

“Thanks, babe.” Jaebeom spoke as he got up to get his ringing phone. Jinyoung just smiled before walking into the kitchen, not bothering to get any underwear or short since jaebeom’s clothes were always long enough to reach his milky thighs.  
Jinyoung hummed in the tune of jaebeom’s new song, flipping pancakes while cooking the bacon at the other. He have learned how to do the cooking from the videos he watched online, he can even dare say that he’s professionally good.

“Smells good. Just like you.” Jaebeom whispered, wrapping his arms once again around the younger like it was his second nature- to just have jinyoung as close as possible.

“Are you saying I smell like bacon and pancakes?” Jinyoung giggled, managing to do the platting with jaebeom still hugging him from behind like a clingy koala.

“I’m saying you’re good enough to eat too.” Jaebeom seductively suggested as he drew circles along the younger’s thigh. He was about to reach nirvana when the younger managed to slip away from his grasps, laughing that cute little laugh as he watched the bewildered reaction of his husband.

“The food is ready, hyung.” 

“But i-"

 _“Let’s eat.”_ Jinyoung smiled, eye whiskers showing that stopped jaebeom from talking.  
Of course jinyoung would insist of eating together, they haven’t done that in a while- after all, jaebeom have been busy with his new upcoming song release while jinyoung had his drama taping. So with a light chuckle, jaebeom sat across the small table that fits for two. 

“Thanks for cooking, babe.” 

“No worries. Eat up.” Jinyoung proudly said as jaebeom took a bite from his pancakes. 

“It’s good.” He said while munching on the food, letting some bits and pieces fall from his mouth. 

“Hey! No talking when you’re mouth is full.” Jinyoung swatted as he chuckled at jaebeom’s childish way of eating.

“You know, I miss your cooking. The food at the studio taste bad as fuck." 

“Yeah, you tell me that all the time.”

“Yeah but speaking of which, I have to spend a night or two there again. You know how busy I can get with this time of-" Jaebeom stopped midway as he looked at his husband’s solemn but still smiling face.

Jinyoung hates to admit, but he does feel a little jealous when jaebeom talks about the studio more when he is literally with him. He also sometimes hate the fact that jaebeom has to stay there for days without them meeting.

But he still put up with it. 

That’s why he accepted the drama role that was offered to him anyway. 

So he wouldn’t have to think of coming home alone in an empty and cold house.

So he wouldn’t have to think of what jaebeom is doing.

So he could busy himself from what he knows.

“You know hyung, I’m starting to think you like staying at your studio more than you stay here.” Jinyoung stated as he cut his pancakes nonchalantly.

“What makes you say that, jinyoungie?”

“I don’t know, maybe you like seeing your crew more than you like seeing me? Or maybe it’s because you can see someone else without me knowing.” Jinyoung replied, eyes now focused on jaebeom who was just staring at him. 

“What?”

“Are you seeing someone else, hyung? Or better yet,” Jinyoung paused, voice almost seething with anger.

"Are you _fucking_ someone else?”

“What are you trying to say? Are you out of your goddamn mind!? Why would I fuck someone else when I know I have you?” Jaebeom shouted, slamming his fork and knife in the table quite harshly.

Jinyoung broke into a smile which took jaebeom off guard. The younger gently put his knife and fork down, leaned over the table and kissed jaebeom without a warning.

“That was just a practice for my role, baby. But I’m glad to know you’re not doing any funny businesses behind my back.” Jinyoung whispered as he leaned away, leaving jaebeom frustrated with his tiny act. Jinyoung stood up and was surprised when jaebeom suddenly held him by his elbow, stopping him from moving any further.

“I think I deserve more than a kiss for that little act of yours, don’t you think, nyoungie?” jaebeom challenged as jinyoung’s eyes started to cloud with lust and a hint of anger- an anger that has been hidden deep in his heart.

“I don’t think you do.”

“of course you don’t **_think_** I deserve more. You **_know_** damn well I deserve it.”

“And what do you think you deserve then? A _handjob?_ A _blowjob?_ Perhaps you think you deserve to _fuck_ me right here and right now?” Jinyoung replied, feeling a lot braver than he used to. Jaebeom growled as he pulled jinyoung towards their bedroom, the younger staying silent in the process.

Jinyoung let out a small shriek as he was thrown to the bed quite harshly. He observed how the elder crawled on top of him, caging him with no escape. He was glowering above him like a predator lavishly staring at his meal before it attacks.

“You think you’re tough enough to talk back huh?” Jinyoung shivered at the tone of his voice, low and almost authoritative. His toes curled and the hair at the back of his neck stood up as he felt jaebeom’s body pressed against his. With a soft moan, jinyoung’s eyes rolled at the back of his head as soon as jaebeom’s muscular thighs grinded at his growing erection. 

“ _Well I’m going to show you where you belong. And that’s under me as I fuck the sense out of that little tight body of yours. That’s on top of me as you ride my hard cock like a little slut that you are_.” Jaebeom snarled as he hungrily claimed the younger’s lips, tongue forcing it’s way to explore jinyoung’s sinful mouth.

“Hyung..” Jinyoung moaned a sly and very seducing sound that riled up jaebeom even more as he started to tear jinyoung’s clothes, buttons flying elsewhere without a care. Jinyoung’s mind was all blurry and jumbled as he let the elder have his way with him.

Think of him as someone desperate but the only way he get his husband to be this focus on him is to push his button enough to have all his attention.

“Fuck, nyoungie. How long have you been this horny?” Jaebeom grunted as his kisses moved south- smirking when he heard the light whimper of his husband as he started sucking on his pink perky nipples one after another.

Just when jaebeom was about to remove his own boxers, his phone decided that interrupting once wasn’t enough that it had to be done yet again.

“Shit, jinyoung I need to get that. Baby please.. fuck..” Jaebeom hissed as jinyoung took the lead by switching their position when his husband was distracted by his ringing phone.

“Jaebeomie ah..” Jinyoung purred, fingertips grazing jaebeom’s skin- nails lightly digging on it. Jinyoung never calls him that unless he badly needs to be touched. And that, he is.

“Baby please.. that might be a client.. fuck.. babe..” Jaebeom moaned, feeling the friction from his clothed cock as jinyoung’s naked bottom grinded on it like his life depends on making jaebeom stay.

“Don’t you want to stay, hyung?” Jinyoung heaved, leaning closer to jaebeom who was looking at him with a dazed and aroused expression.

“ _ **Don’t you want to stay and fuck me?**_ ”

Jinyoung is not used to speaking so vulgar. But he knows just how jaebeom loves it when he dirty talks. How aroused the elder gets whenever he just tease and submits to him wholly.

“that’s tempting, baby. But I really have to take that.” Jaebeom gulped, already covered with sweat. Jinyoung stopped his movements as he stared at the man with a pout.

“But…”

“I’m really sorry baby.” Jinyoung couldn’t do anything but sigh, move away and watch as his husband peck his cheek before running to get the call.

‘You must be so grateful to have jaebeom as your husband.’ 

He is. 

_Still…_

“Baby I’m really sorry but I have to go to work now. I promise I’ll be back as soon as I finish my work okay?” Jinyoung was just there, staring as his husband rummage their room for clothes to wear.

Has jaebeom been this conscious of his fashion before?

Has jaebeom been this eager to go to work before?

Has jaebeom been this willing to just leave in the middle of them making love?

Jinyoung already forgot.

“Nyoungie..” Jinyoung snapped out of his thoughts, the man already face to face with him, a concerned- or what is pity?- eyes staring back at him.

“Ah.. yes?” he managed to let out.

“I said I’ll be going now.”  
“Ahh.. Yes..” Jinyoung spoke, a small smile moving to his face as he reached out to fix jaebeom’s collar. How long was he out and in his thoughts? Probably enough to make jaebeom prepare for ‘work'.

“Are you going to be out late?” He whispered as jaebeom feel his heart break.

“I won’t be long, I’ll try to finish it as soon as possible. Maybe around midnight so make sure to lock all the doors okay?”

“Okay. Be safe.” Jinyoung replied softly as he placed a sweet and quick kiss on his husband’s lips.

“I will.” Jaebeom replied with a smile, gathering his things as jinyoung slipped in his velvet black robe.  
Leaning in the front door, jinyoung waited until jaebeom was about to open his car door before he shouted; “Beomie hyung.” 

Jaebeom turned his head to see his husband smiling lovingly at him.

 **“I love you.”**

Jaebeom breathing stopped for a second. Of course, he knows jinyoung loves him. Of course he knows that he will love him no matter what. He knows he has to say it too. That’s what couples do right?

They are married after all.

He is married to jinyoung.

He knows that.

He knows…

“I _know.”_ Jaebeom said, gathering his strength to smile at his waving husband before entering his car- not missing the sadness that swallowed the bright eyes of his husband soon after.

Jaebeom knows he loves him.

And it kills him to know jinyoung knows something and still loves him anyway. 

Shaking the dark thoughts away, jaebeom started driving without looking back. Jinyoung stayed until the car of his husband was a silhouette from afar, just like how their marriage has been over the course of time.

A silhouette from afar that no matter how hard he chase, he will never be able to touch again.  
He know something was up. He knows jaebeom through and through that lying would never have an affect on him. However, even if he knows something was going on, he chose to stay and keep the ‘perfect couple' façade because; one, people sees them as that and as a public face and famous people, they both have a career to protect and two is because somewhere in jinyoung’s yearning heart, he knows that jaebeom still loves him- that jaebeom still loves him enough to not bring his affairs at home.

To _their_ home.

Jinyoung chuckled at that, _‘home'_ isn’t even the right term for it anymore. It was no longer a home for him or for jaebeom, at least it was seven years ago.  
Because home is where your heart is but jaebeom’s heart was unobtainable while his was still in jaebeom’s hands.

“God, why am I doing this to myself?” Jinyoung breathe out, asking as if he had someone to ask, someone to vent to. Sadly, even if he wants to tell his friends, it might ruin jaebeom’s image and that he doesn’t want despite his actions.

Having nothing to do since his schedule was all cleared because he thought that maybe today he could just rest with jaebeom. That today, he can have him to himself. 

He thought that he could spend the time he lost catching up, time that jaebeom have forgotten to give.

He thought, that maybe- just maybe- he'll remember.

And yet jaebeom seems to forget about it at all.

Letting out a pitiful laugh, his eyes blurred as he tried to just laugh all his frustrations away- remembering hearing that laughing relieves all stress. Although all it did was make him look more out of his head than he already is.

“God..” He choked out a sob, tears already falling out of his eyes- letting all the sadness he have been keeping for years go like he does every time when he’s accompanied with doubt and pain. Jinyoung’s feet dragged him to their living room where pictures of them were hung. Pictures of where the love was still in full bloom. Jinyoung couldn’t help but to cry harder at that, wishing that he could have those days back again. He wished that he could go back to the days where jaebeom loves him and only him.

_‘Was I not enough to keep him from looking for someone else? Was my love not enough to satisfy him? Was I not enough that he had to see, he had to kiss, he had to fuck other people?’_

“Was I not enough?” He sobbed, unconsciously crumpling the photo of their wedding day in his hand. He couldn’t stomach how jaebeom manage to still look at him in the eyes and say those sweet words to him like he wasn’t saying the exact same words to another. He couldn’t bare the fact that jaebeom had his lips on someone else’s, how jaebeom could still act like he had no affairs. It wouldn’t hurt as much if it he was cheating around with girls, he knew there are things his body couldn’t give to jaebeom. After all, jaebeom married a man. But it hurts even more when he knows jaebeom has been seeing not only girls, but a man as well. He couldn’t understand why jaebeom would look for another man besides him.

What could that man give that he couldn’t? What could that man say that he couldn’t? 

But what he couldn’t handle, is the thought that maybe one day- he'll wake up to find the man he loves, gone. That jaebeom would find no reason to stay with him anymore.

He is afraid that one day, jaebeom would let go of him totally.

But what he doesn’t know, was jaebeom thinks of the same thing too.

Jaebeom was also afraid. He still is, he’s afraid that jinyoung would break and be tired of loving him. He is afraid that the younger would kick him out of his life for good. He knows he is wrong, but the temptation was greater than fear. Especially when temptations present themselves to you when you’re tired and frustrated at work. When you see your husband kiss someone else on screen. And even if it’s just a role, he couldn’t shake off the jealousy he feels that he has to vent off to someone else.

Jaebeom never dated anyone else other than his husband. All of them were just hook ups, one night stands and some are even just girls and guys who wanted a quick fuck. He wasn’t totally like that before, he actually hated seeing his colleagues flirt with other girls when they have significant others. But somehow along the way, he started seeing why they do it. They do it because it’s thrilling, it’s bad but it’s damn arousing as well. He does it because he knows jinyoung isn’t always into it. That jinyoung is sometimes too focused on his career to have intimacy with him- unlike how others do. Others who willingly offer themselves to him like he is some god. 

But a part of him still hates it. 

A part of him says he has to stop.

A part of him who hates seeing jinyoung sad.

A part of him who loves jinyoung.

“Dude, are you okay?” Jaebeom snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his best friend and co producer, jackson wang, call him out.

“Huh? Oh.. yeah. What was that again?”

“Come on bro. I was explaining the concept to you for minutes now! What’s wrong with you today? You’ve been spacing out a lot.”

Jaebeom sighed, running his hands to his hair as he leaned to his swivel chair. They’ve been brainstorming for a while now but jaebeom’s mind wanted to think of something else.

“is there something wrong with jinyoung?” the man flinched at the name of his husband, of course there’s nothing wrong with jinyoung. Instead, there’s definitely something wrong with him.

“It’s not like that. It’s… I can’t explain.” 

“Is it because of what you’re doing?” jaebeom looked at him, seeing the pity in his eyes. Jackson has been his best friend since he started making music. He has been with him through his victories and falls. He trust him enough to say all his worries, to confess his wrongdoings- things that jackson strongly disapproved.

“I don’t want to do it anymore, seun-ah. I want to have jinyoung back. I just want to have jinyoung. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.” He spoke, devastated beyond words to even explain how he feels. Jackson could see that, he could see the guilt, the regret, the pain of hurting someone he loves.

However, despite jaebeom’s attempt to stop things, it seems like his other side was stronger.

“You can’t. Not today, tomorrow, not even in this lifetime. You might have jinyoung physically but you know in yourself that you can never love jinyoung like you used to say and you know jinyoung can never love you like how he loves you before for what you did.”

“I know that, I know I can’t take back what I did. But I can’t stop, it’s like my body has a mind of its own. I don’t know what to do. What should I do? Please tell me, how can you stay so loyal to your husband?”

Jackson looked at him dead in the eyes, the mention of him cheating on his husband makes his blood boil. He doesn’t condone jaebeom’s action, in fact he have verbally stated that he hates his actions to him but that didn’t do anything to lessen jaebeom’s desire to sleep with someone else.

“you know me, I don’t like hurting my husband at any form. The only thing that keeps me from staying with you is the faith that you'll manage to fix yourself before you ruin your life completely. But with how you’re acting right now. Sooner or later, you’ll end up losing everything you cherish.”

“What should I do then? I can’t decide on whether to tell him or not, especially when I know that he knows something. I don’t want to lose him seun-ah. I don’t want jinyoung to let go of me.”

“Jaebeom hyung. You already made your decision. And that was to ruin what is the most important to you. 

You chose to destroy the trust and love jinyoung unconditionally gave you. And for what? For a quick pleasure? To rid of your stress?” Jackson stood up, giving jaebeom one more look before leaving.

“I can’t teach you what to say or feel, but for me, you made the greatest mistake of lying to jinyoung.  
You made a mistake of hurting someone you can never find in anyone else again.” With that, jackson left the room, leaving the unbearable silence that enveloped jaebeom whole.

He fucked up.

He knows that too well.

He just wish he could repent for his sins so he wouldn’t have to feel guilty of loving jinyoung and having jinyoung love him back.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered, tears brimming on the corner of his eyes, hands balled into fists as he slammed it hardly at his wooden table- feeling too numb to even wince and too empty to even process that he had broken his table and his knuckles were bleeding.

“I’m so fucking sorry, nyoungie. I’m so sorry.” He sobbed. He couldn’t face the truth that their love, the love jinyoung unselfishly gave, gives, him was all thrown out of the window because of his stupidity. He glared at his phone when it started flashing, a familiar face shown on it. He waited for the light on his screen fade, a missed call shown in it.

‘I have to end this now.’ He thought to himself as he grabbed his phone to message whoever call he missed earlier.

Moving at a fast pace, jaebeom walked out of the studio and into his car, not minding the call from his colleagues 

“What’s wrong with him?” Jackson heard one of them ask, he just watched as jaebeom sped away to a place he always goes in secret. A place where his lust runs free.

Jackson might be jaebeom’s best friend but with how things are going on with him, he doesn’t even know if jaebeom is still the same jaebeom he knew.

 _“Gaga?”_ Jackson adverted his eyes to his side to see his husband, Mark, carrying their sleeping 1 year old baby girl. Mark had this look in his eyes, as if he knew what was bothering his husband, and he does. For mark also knew of jaebeom’s sins.

“I don’t know what to do with him. His hurting himself and jinyoung too much. I don’t know if jaebeom is still jaebeom.” He whispered. Mark gave him a sad smile, adjusting their daughter to his side before Intertwining his hand with his- giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“It’s okay gaga. They’re both adults, I’m sure they’re mature enough to know what to do. Let’s just hope that things end well for the both of them.” Mark spoke softly as jackson smiled, pulling mark closer to him softly- his eyes showed clear adoration for the man. 

He knows what jaebeom and jinyoung is going through, and I vowed to never let the same thing happen to him and mark. He loves his family too much to even think otherwise.

“I promise to be always loyal to you and to our daughter. I can’t imagine my life without you two in it.” Jackson confessed, giving mark’s and their daughter's forehead a kiss. Mark gave off the softest smile, melting all of Jackson’s frustration and weariness instantly, as he whispered the words to him.

“I know that very well, gaga. I know.” 

* * *

 

“I’m ending this.” Jaebeom spoke, voice void of any emotion. He watched as the man in front of him only raised his eyebrow, an amused smile in his face.

“Ending what exactly, jaebeom-ssi?” He mused, putting the lit cigarette between his smirking lips.

“Stop fucking with me. I don’t want to destroy my marriage with jinyoung. I want to end whatever we have now.”

The man only scoffed, tossing his cigarette away like it’s nothing but trash and stood up. Jaebeom remained on his feet as the man walked closer to him, snaking his hands around jaebeom’s neck wantonly- tangling his sinful fingers through his hair before whispering, “Oh honey, your marriage have already been destroyed ever since you decided to fuck around and lie to sweet little jinyoung.” 

Jaebeom pushed him harshly, not liking the way jinyoung’s name slipped his mouth. It only anger him more when the man laughed maniacally, almost as if finding jaebeom’s irritation entertaining.

“Oh my, did I hit a nerve? What can I say, truth slaps like a bitch doesn’t it?” the man said in a mocking tone as jaebeom grabbed him by the collar and pushing him to the wall, eyes burning with hatred. 

“Fuck you.” He hissed whilst the man smirked.

“Why isn’t that what you always do? Fucking me like I’m your slut while your beloved husband waits patiently for you to come home?” He sarcastically faked a sad smile, grinning when jaebeom started strangling him.

“God jaebeom-ssi, you’re really into kinky stuff aren’t you? That’s just the way I love it.”  
Jaebeom tossed him to the side hardly, the man stumbling down in the process.

“I don’t want to see your face anymore. Say even a single word and I’ll put you six feet under ground.” He said, glaring while the man looked at him with that mocking smile. 

“I’d love to see you try. Good luck with your marriage baby. I hope jinyoung hears the news that you’ve been cheating on him soon.” 

“go to hell.”

“Of course, I’ll tell satan to reserve a VIP seat for you there.” 

Jaebeom heard him say as he walked out of his house. How can he be so stupid? Cheating over jinyoung with someone less than him?

Slamming his car door shut, he shouted at the top of his lungs, hitting the stirring wheel hardly as he do so. He cried there, he cried and cried until he had no more tears to shed. He was so exhausted. The only thing he wanted was to be in jinyoung’s embrace.

The only thing he wanted now is jinyoung.

He drove away, driving around in circle, trying to come up with an explanation on why he did what he did. Trying to find a way to right his wrongs. He drove around until he got tired and decided to go back to jinyoung. Ironic, how even when he goes somewhere else, how he walks away, all paths lead back to him- to jinyoung.

With a heavy heart, he waited for his engine to die down, just like how he waited for his heart to slowly prepare for the pain. Jaebeom then walked outside and into the front door, knocking softly as he waited for someone to answer.

He have wished that jinyoung went somewhere. He have wished that jinyoung went outside to have fun. Instead, he felt his heartache when the door opened gradually- the face od his husband came into view.

“You’re back early.” 

Jinyoung _stayed,_ like he _always_ does.

“Yeah. I wanted to see you sooner so I just went home.” Jaebeom smiled, embracing jinyoung who smiled softly, not minding the faint smell of that perfume he always tries to wash off of his husband’s clothes.

“I’m glad you’re home.” He mumbled, clutching into his shirt. Jaebeom wanted to cry, he wanted to cry so hard but he held it in and swayed jinyoung softly- humming a song jinyoung always love to hear.

The song he had dedicated to him on their wedding day.

“I love that song so much.” Jinyoung spoke, giving enough distance so he could peek at his husband’s face with a little smile. Jaebeom would’ve love to see that smile everyday, but now all he could think was how he manage to lie this person and how he didn’t deserve it.

How he didn’t, he doesn’t, deserve jinyoung.

“I _know.”_

“I have a surprise for you.” Jinyoung’s eye whiskers appeared and for the nth time of that painful day, he felt a stab on his chest.

“Really?” He tried to sound as enthusiastic as he could, letting jinyoung drag him by the hand into the kitchen. 

“Now close your eyes and do not peek.” Jinyoung instructed while jaebeom obliged. He felt the younger guide him somewhere in their house. A few steps and then a halt.

“Okay you can open them now.”  
Jaebeom did, and he swore he felt his whole world crumble. 

“this is…”

“ ** _Happy wedding anniversary to us._** ” 

That’s right, it’ their wedding anniversary today.

_How could he even forget?_

Jinyoung took time to prepare everything, from the dishes to the decors. Everything looks perfect. His eyes followed jinyoung as he played a music, the song he had just hummed a little while ago.

“It’s not much, but I hope its enough.” Jinyoung laughed lightly and that was the breaking point.

It was enough, jinyoung was enough.

He was **more** than enough.

But jaebeom..

Jinyoung stayed still as jaebeom hugged him tightly, sobbing on his shoulder as he tightened his hold- repeatedly saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘please forgive me' like a mantra that would cleanse his sins.

And jinyoung knew of what they were for.

Jinyoung always knew of them.

He let silent tears fall down his face. Seeing jaebeom break down and admit his actions hurt more than he thought it would. It was one thing to have a hunch, but it was another to have it said by the man you love. To have it admitted by him was far worse than just having seen the texts, the lipstick stains, the perfume smells on him.

It hurts more to have jaebeom admit that he was cheating.

“I’m sorry jinyoung.. I’m sorry.”

“Hyung..”

“Please, don’t leave me. I regret it. I regret everything. I’m sorry. Please… please forgive me.”

“Jaebeom hyung.” 

“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want us to break apart. I want us to be happy. I-"

“Im jaebeom.” Jaebeom’s words were stuck in his mouth, stiffening as he heard his husband call his full name. he felt how the younger push him away lightly, gently removing his arms around him.

‘This is it. This is the end.’ Jaebeom thought to himself as he looked at jinyoung’s eyes- they were full of sadness, of grief and disappointment.

How they still shine but has lost their warmth.

So he was perplexed when jinyoung reached out to cup his face with both hands, thumbs wiping the tear stain on his cheeks. He looked at him with wide questioning eyes, he looked at him who was still smiling dearly at him.

“You shouldn’t cry. We shouldn’t cry right now.” He whispered, contradicting the red puffy eyes and nose he had. Of all the things jaebeom wish jinyoung wasn’t, it was being strong.

Strong enough to smile at him during this times.

Strong enough to look at him in the eye and not cry.

Strong enough to not break down when jaebeom did.

Of all, jinyoung was strong enough to turn a blind eye at his mistakes.

And for what? 

So jaebeom could continue committing adultery? 

So jaebeom wouldn’t have to worry about him leaving?

“Why jinyoung?” 

Jinyoung’s mind went blank for a while. Why? He doesn’t really understand. 

“Maybe it’s because I still trust you.”

“But you shouldn’t! I cheated on you! I lied to you jinyoung! I broke our vows, my vow. I don’t deserve you.” 

Jinyoung just smiled.

“I _know.”_

“I know you cheated on me. I know you lied and broke your vows. 

And maybe I’m just being a big idiot for still loving you after all of that.

And maybe, _I still am_.” Jinyoung spoke, walking towards the chair before turning back to jaebeom.

“ _The food is ready hyung, let’s eat_.” Jinyoung added as he sat to his chair, acting as if what happened earlier never happened. Jaebeom did the same, albeit he was uncomfortable- he let the younger eat in peace. He tried to eat but no matter how hard he tries to, it tasted bland- like his senses are all numb. That went on for a while, just them eating without a word, jaebeom could feel jinyoung’s sadness even with the stoic face.

“Thank you for the food.” Jaebeom tried to cheer him up but he only gave a small smile before standing up to pick the plates.

“Nyoungie..”

“I’m going to wash the dishes hyung. You can go take a shower now.” 

Jaebeom didn’t argue, he was afraid that if he said another word- jinyoung might lose it. So he did as he was told, washed up like it could wash all his sins away. He stayed there longer than he usually do. Just standing as the cold shower falls from his head to his toes. By the time he was done, jinyoung had already finished the dishes and had used the other bathroom to wash up. 

“You already showered.” Jaebeom stated as he dried of his hair, earning a light nod from jinyoung who turned to his side of the bed and away from him.

“Jinyoung.. I could sleep in the couch.” 

“Why? The bed is big enough for two. I don’t want to feel more lonely than I do.” He caught him whispered.

Of course.

“okay.” Jaebeom replied, not really knowing what to do. He carefully climb to their bed, cautious to not touch jinyoung unintentionally by any means. Jaebeom laid on his back, a straight position as he stared at the ceiling- occasionally glancing at the back of jinyoung’s head to see if he is already sleeping. It lasted for a few seconds before jaebeom broke the silence, it was suffocating him and he knows it was too for jinyoung.

“Jinyoungie..” he started of, testing to see if he is awake or not. When he received no reply, he continued; “I know you’re mad at me, you have every right to be mad at me. But can we talk things out? I…” he stopped, seeing jinyoung’s shoulder began to shake lightly.

“I don’t want us to fall apart. And I know I’m asking for too much. But please.. can you give me a second chance? A chance to make things the way they used to be?”

Jaebeom held his breath when sobbing sounds erupted from the younger’s lips. Jinyoung is crying. And yet he couldn’t see his tears. 

Jinyoung have never let jaebeom see him cry.

He have never saw him cry.

“Jinyoungie-ah…” he tried to touch him shoulder but the younger flinched away.

“Please.. don’t touch me right now. Don’t talk to me right now. Don’t tell me you’re sorry.

Just.. just let me cry for a while. I’ll be fine. You’re tired, go to bed and don’t mind me.” 

“But jinyoung i-"

“Please! Please hyung. I don’t want to say things I can’t take back.”

That hit jaebeom hard. Those words pierced through his soul like the sharpest of swords. He knew what jinyoung wanted to say- he knew what he didn’t want to say out loud. 

“ _I’m sorry_..” 

That was all jaebeom could muster to say to him after all the pain he had inflicted upon jinyoung.

 _“…Goodnight,_ hyung.”

Was all jinyoung replied. Though it felt more than that, it sounded more than that.

And it was proven true when jaebeom woke up the next day on an empty bed, a written letter with a shining ring on top of it at the bedside table.

He _knew_ it was more than goodnight.

He _knew_ jinyoung too well for that.

He _knew_ jinyoung had made his decision.

And now **knows** of how heartbreaking it is to wake up alone, to stay in an empty house. 

He **knows** it took jinyoung years to let go.

And he **knows** it was because of his fault.

He **knows** that one word, of how much it hurts and how deep it cuts.

He **knows** of how the media started buzzing around them, how rumors rose and died down.  
He **knows** the disappointed looks in their families and friends' faces.

But most of all, he **knows** now how hard it truly is to have half of your life gone.

To stare at his pictures and cry.

To dream of him and wake up to his absence.

To hold the ring he left behind.

To reread the same letter he left years before.

_To live without jinyoung._

 

  
_‘Goodbye.’_

 


End file.
